Lately, I’ve been doing this thing where I have this great idea and I run right up to it and think “Yes! This is it! I’m finally going to commit to a direction and change my stars!” Then I promptly spend the next however long systematically talking myself out of doing anything. (My inner dragon is quite the pragmatist.) I’ve got this great post sitting in my drafts right now – it’s all about seizing life and committing to my true self – but I don’t want to publish it because I know that come tomorrow I will likely panic and change my mind.
I am so afraid of making the wrong decision and having to suffer the consequences. I feel like I’ve finally won some acceptance and respect from my family, but I know that the quickest way to lose that is by doing exactly what I’ve been contemplating – changing. My life right now is firmly fixed in a set of those proverbial “golden handcuffs;” a fact which seems to bring contentment to everyone else and nothing but resentment to me.
Staying on this path – or lack thereof – is literally so painful. I’m on meds for depression and anxiety. I found out late last year that I have fibromyalgia, most likely triggered by stress. I am constantly on the lookout for some type of legal and non-self-harmful relief. In short, my emotional and physical self are suffering because my mental self can’t seem to get it’s s**t together. All three are beyond frustrated.
So what great idea is causing all this emo-anxiety? Well, I was presented with a potential job opportunity, which would not only be a career change but would also take me to a different location than I’d ever intended. It’s not a guarantee, but it is a very viable option. My family and co-workers would be most displeased. Perhaps I would be too. Taking this would be the equivalent of a long leap off a short cliff – I may survive just fine but odds are there’s a stretcher in my future. Am I being a bit dramatic? I wish that’s all it was…
I’ve written on here time and again that I am a people-pleaser. I thought that I was a recovering people-pleaser, but as this post has shown, that is clearly not the case. If I was the only one to be affected by change, I would reinvent myself every chance I got. I don’t fear change – I long for it – but I do fear disappointing others. And I know, I know, I know that “you can’t please everybody” and “sometimes you have to do things for yourself” and “if they love you they’ll support you” and “it really will all be a-okay.” But knowing and knowing aren’t exactly the same thing. Ugh.
I hope. (smile) I hope that when the time comes to tell everyone about my decision, they will all understand (or at least pretend to). And failing that, I hope that I can conjure that old inner strength to move forward anyway. It’s a beautiful thing, basking in the sunshine of acceptance; but it makes for cold nights alone with the one person you can never escape – yourself. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings…