Pondering: Pages of the Past

pen on notebook black and white quote

Last week, while I was writing my morning pages, I ventured across a topic I didn’t even realize I had been thinking about (as I find that I am wont to do quite often in that exercise) – namely, an old friend. Some time ago, I noticed on Facebook that a guy I have enjoyed a very complicated relationship with for the last (oh geez) 14 years or so is on his way to wedding someone else. Honestly, a small part of me is a bit jealous – it has been 14 years after all – but I find that I am also genuinely happy for him. We’ve been more distant friends lately than anything else, which I am sure helps with the goodwill. (smile) Anyway, all this got me thinking about my other journal, the one that has evolved to hold the more purposeful ponderings (i.e., the big stuff).

So I pulled my own personal book of revelations from its hiding spot (some teenage habits will never die) and sifted through the pages containing our times together. My friend and I have always joked that one of us should write our story down as it would make for some interesting reading; until that day it hadn’t really occurred to me that I’d been doing just that in my own way. I would never It would take unimaginable enticement for me to ever share those thoughts publicly, but I’m glad they’re there. Those pages contain some of the worst and best memories of the last (almost) decade of my life, and through all the head-shaking, eye-rolling, and giggles, I relived a truly great story.

As I was revisiting memories from that particular relationship, I began to notice another theme threading through those pages. From the very first entry through to the most recent, almost every entry lamented my current life status. I’ve been constantly searching for that magic change that would instantly make my life better for a decade now. I’ve always thought myself rather brave and, at times, even proactive, yet here was contrary proof written by my own hand. I won’t say that I’ve wasted the last 8 years or so going in a circle – because there have certainly been some great memories and awesome adventures – but I haven’t made as much forward progress with myself as each entry seemed to hope for.

tree blossom quote, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago

I generally have a rule about reading what I’ve written in my journals – as in I don’t do it. Once the words and emotions are out, I don’t often go back in search of them. However, as hard as it is to read some of those words now, I am grateful for every single one of them. Looking back through those pages was a huge wake up call for me. I realized that I’ve been writing the same words over and over again waiting for them to magically make more sense – to jump off the page and transform my life. Perhaps they have, through my reading them back now. I’m still as unsure about most of my life as I was all those years ago, but I have all those pages of experience to read back over; to understand that I have been living life; and to see what I need to adjust for the future.

Those pages highlight a series of hard lessons that only time could have taught – 1) time goes on whether you will it or no; 2) to move in a particular direction, you oftentimes have to pro-actively do something to adjust the sail; and 3) be honest about your emotions.

I have finally lived long enough now as an (sometimes) adult to appreciate those lessons. The next challenge will be implementing thm into this everyday life I lead. At the beginning of this year, I said that my word for 2015 was Warrior. We’re well into May now and I find that I’m slacking in my intentions. It’s time to stop talking writing about the same things over and again in the same way. It’s time to adjust the sails while remembering to enjoy the ride. (smile) And as I work on doing so, I want to acknowledge how grateful I am that I kept those words and emotions within those pages. And now, with the advent of this blog, I have these words as well. Words I feel free to share with the world in hopes of helping others, interacting with community, and keeping a beautiful record of a life purposefully lived.

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One thought on “Pondering: Pages of the Past

  1. Nice post – reflective, and reminding me of what it’s like to feel purposeful and unsure at the same time.

    It was years before I worked out what I was supposed to do in this life. So, just take it easy and have a bit of fun too. I’m sure there are times when you think you wasted your chances or didn’t do enough (I know I think that!) but, well, even that is useful to know. Your friends may be surprised at your feelings that you haven’t done enough, because we are often harder on ourselves than we need to be. Be happy. XXX 😀

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