I feel like journeys have become a theme in my life lately. From the literal to the spiritual, I have traveled many miles these last few weeks. I don’t feel tired so much as dazed, like my mind hasn’t been able to process it all quite yet.
There was a 3-day journey to Wyoming for work. Normally I love Wyoming, but as most of this trip was spent in a conference room it wasn’t quite the same. On the last day the snow came. It was absolutely gorgeous and as crazy as it sounds, I wish I’d had a day to enjoy it. Instead it was a slightly nerve-wracking drive back to the airport and a very bumpy flight back down to Arizona.
A very few short days later I was packed and off on another very bumpy flight – this time to Ireland. I think I’ll save the particulars for another post, but let’s just say it wasn’t exactly the trip I’d envisioned. In hindsight it was educational, as I knew it would be. At the time it was a combination of beauty and anxiety. An apt summary of my life. Overall, I enjoyed the trip and don’t regret it for a moment. It was something that I needed to do and I met some truly amazing people. Ireland is by far the friendliest country I’ve ever been to – the people are curious in their own way (but always willing to share their own story), always willing to lend a hand, and upbeat in a way that’s difficult to find these days. The country’s not without it’s issues, but I found it to be inspiring in its attitude.
I’ve also found myself on a less literal, though somehow connected, spiritual journey. I mentioned some time ago that I took a course last fall in intuitive studies. It’s all very new age-y, and I roll my eyes at myself when I try to describe it to other people. However, when I’m there, in that group energy, I feel at peace – I know it’s where I need to be. So this spring I signed up for a course on shamanism. Where the first course was fun, upbeat, and inspiring, this one is very… self-evolving. I feel like the best kind of martini – shaken up. We’re half-way through the course now and I feel like there’s something there, just on the other side of some imaginary mirror – if only I could just see through to the other side, I know it would be life-changing…
So much of all of these journeys is a lack of dedicated time on my part to process them. I find myself running desperately on to the next thing as though afraid of what might happen if I just sit and think for more than 5 minutes at a time. I fear this space for the same reason – if I sit and write, what might come out? I’ve come to the realization that there’s a certain level of fear in my life that makes me feel comfortable – I’ve acclimatized to it. Any more or any less brings on the anxiety. I can see the changes to be made, yet I hesitate – what if things go wrong, or even more concerning, what if things go right? Either way I’ll be forced beyond my comfort bubble, forced to be responsible.
Right now I feel as though I’m standing on the edge of a deep chasm. The jump to the other side is really just a mere hop – and the entire Universe is on my side, just waiting to assist should it be needed. When my desire for change outweighs my fear, I’ll make the leap. I’ll move on to the next phase and find a new bubble. The process will likely repeat. There’s a certain comfort in that knowledge alone. But as I grow older I find myself standing at those edges longer and longer, worrying instead of leaping. If there’s any part of my 20-year-old self I wish I could recapture, it would be her fearlessness, her I’ll-figure-it-out-as-I-go attitude towards life. Damn the consequences.